Some days are better than none

THE GOSPEL OF GRIEVANCE

A Field Guide to MAGA Christianity for the Spiritually Confused and Politically Constipated

Welcome, dear reader, to the Gospel of Grievance — the not-so-holy hybrid of nationalism, nostalgia, and nacho cheese that christianity (lower c Cunts) has always aspired to in large swaths of American political life.

Note: all religions are repugnant to eichendorff but eichendorff wants to talk about the grab ‘em by the pussy followers religion.

Chapter 1: White Grievance — The Sacred Scrolls

At the heart of MAGA christianity lies the foundational myth:

“We had it all… and then THEY came and took it.”

They = Black people, brown people, immigrants, women with opinions, gays with pronouns, people who look like women but aren’t, people who look like men but aren’t, people who like soccer, people who read books without pictures in them, and people who aren’t white supremacists.

It’s the Church of the Good Old Days — a deeply spiritual longing for a time when the dumbest, most vile white man was still better than anyone who wasn’t a white man.  And they’ve found their leader in the dumbest.

This is white grievance baptized in Budweiser. The belief that equality is oppression, and that losing unearned dominance is the same thing as being erased.

Chapter 2: But Wait! There’s More (Grievance is for Everyone)

Before you think this movement only hands out communion wafers to the pale and pasty, let’s be clear: grievance is infectious, and MAGA has gone multi-ethnic, selling to the morons who buy their dumb shit:

• Black and Latino christians who feel alienated by the secular left and are enticed by “family values” and pulpit-sized masculinity.

• Working-class folks who feel scammed by both parties but like their politics with a side of Jesus, no drag queens, and whiteness.

• Religious traditionalists of all backgrounds who are fed up with thinking, reading, laughing, the east coast, the west coast, cities.

Grievance is a buffet. Some are there for the bigotry, some for the bacon-wrapped tax cuts, but everyone’s piling their plate.

Chapter 3: Jesus as Brand Ambassador

In this theology, Jesus is the Assistant Manager of a Bass Pro Shop.

He doesn’t preach — he endorses. The grab ‘em by the pussy guy, obviously.

• The so-called Messiah is now a marketing tool.
• The cross—one of the most disgusting symbols in the history of symbols—now a campaign logo.
• The bible—lower case Bitches—finally being used for its true purpose. To justify hate and never question power.
• Sermons? Freedom of speech for racism, sexism, discrimination, anti-science, gun fever, and pussy grabbing.

MAGA churches specialize in resentment management. If you’re angry, bitter, confused, and not too into facts — welcome the fuck home.

Chapter 4: Worship in the Age of Weaponry

A glimpse into our typical Sunday service in the Grievance Gospel:

• Opening hymn: “God Bless America,” followed by a standing ovation for the local cop who tased a teenager for loitering.
• Sermon: A 40-minute PowerPoint on how one day in the ever-distant near future, evidence will show that the drag queens the pastor jerks off to when his wife is teaching Sunday school will kill more children than AR-15s.
• Tithes and offerings: Cash, MyPillow stock, Trump bibles, Melania (the one who is the whore—not the other one) NFTs.
• Communion: Unleavened Chick-fil-A nuggets and wine made from Mike Suckabee’s tears.

Epilogue: Why It Works

The Gospel of Grievance thrives because it offers something these people (who want everyone else to pull themselves by their own boot straps) desperately need: someone to blame.

It tells the faithful:

• Your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to because of them.
• You’re losing your job, your town, your “culture” because of them.
• And only a bloated and belligerent orange dung pile can smite your enemies.

It’s therapy for narcissists. Group cosplay for the spiritually exhausted. It’s a cult that sells forgiveness at the price of your dignity.

So if you’re wondering why your cousin JebediahBob thinks Jesus is cool with locking kids in cages and blessing NFTs, now you know. It’s a brand, a vibe, and a very profitable business model.

Welcome to the Church of the Perpetually Aggrieved.

No sandals required — just blind loyalty and a grudge.