Note: this is about submission to a dumbass dipshit nitwit, not sexuality. also this is their amerikkka. not eichendorff’s america. so, in the spirit of freedomspeak, fuck off.
Some people stand for principles. Others kneel for power.
But the cunts on this list? They drop to their knees for a taste of relevance—and no flavor gets them frothing like the orange dung pile’s orange popsicle.
This list isn’t about competence, character, or courage. It’s about submission. Public, sloppy, ego-polishing submission. Whether they’re licking the orange popsickle for the limelight, deep-throating it for a cabinet seat, or denying they’ve ever touched it while still wiping orange off their chin—each of these sickophants has earned their place on the sticky summit of shame.
And I, eichendorff, have calculated their odds for the only metric that matters in MAGAtland: who’s most likely to suck the orange dung pile’s polipsiple for their shot at relevance. It’s a roll call of the desperate, the spineless, and the eternally thirsty.
Top Tier: Deep Throat Devotion
1. Rudy Giuliani
? Odds: -500
This asshole melted on live TV for the orange dung pile. If there is a poxsicle to suck, Rudy (this asshole) is choking on it—with zeal
2. Stephen Miller
? Odds: -450
The only man who wishes he had a pussy for the pussy grabber to grab. A real cunt. He’d work himself into a sweat getting the pumpsicle hard and say “thank you.”
3. Roger Stone
? Odds: -400
He’s got a Nixon tattoo on his back that’s most likely a cover-up of his Hitler tattoo. He’d do it in a Nazi costume (is it though?), call it performance art, and ask for a tip from the orange dung pile (good luck).
Mid Tier: Willing if It Pays
4. Mark Meadows
? Odds: +200
He’ll do it—especially if it gets him back into Mar-a-Lago’s inner circle. But he’ll whimper like the little bitch he is the whole time. I mean–the dumb little bitch he is.
5. Bill Barr
? Odds: +300
He used to be a super-slurper until he realized it was melting all over his bloated ego. Now he pretends he never touched it, much less super-slurped it. All the way down.
6. Peter Navarro
? Odds: +250
Still talking about how delicious it was while on Newsmax. Keeps licking the stick even after the perpsickle is gone.
Bottom Tier: Gag Reflex Activated
7. Jared Kushner
? Odds: +800
Lets it touch his lips with his mouth closed but won’t put it in. Is pop-curious though because he doesn’t have one of his own.
8. John Eastman
? Odds: +900
Says he licked it but didn’t suck it. So technically he didn’t suck it. He did.
9. Michael Flynn
? Odds: +950
Would suck if it were a red, white, and blue bomb pocksippel. The colors of the Russian flag. Traitorous cunty bitch.
The Inner Circle: Blood, Vows, and Very Weird Vibes
10. Ivanka Trump
? Odds: -250
Daddy would ask her to look him in the eyes while she’s sucking it because of their chemistry. But she won’t suck it even though she knows she could. Too bad. She could probably put an end to all of this if she did. But I heard shes a vacuous cunt. I said I heard. Calm the fuck down.
11. Donald Trump Jr.
? Odds: -600
Would get a slap from daddy for biting it. Almost too dumb to breathe.
12. Lindsey Graham
? Odds: -700
Only ever wants to be the belle of the ball. He started by criticizing the orange pucksikle but when his usual date to the ball died, started sucking it morning, noon, and night.
13. Melania Trump
? Odds: +10,000
Sucked it once. Never again. Likes to suck many pocksackles at once. People are saying she’s a whore. People are saying. I don’t know. That’s what I hear. I’ve heard people say. Shut the fuck up.
MAGA’s Mouthpiece Division: Poopsicle, Politics, Rated
14. Marjorie Taylor Greene
? Odds: -1000
She likes to suck it then holster it so it drips down her leg. Be proud Georgia. Be proud.
15. Lauren Boebert
? Odds: -850
Confuses it for a vape pen. Doesn’t know where she is.
16. Nancy Mace
? Odds: +500
She says she won’t suck it but every time she shows up on TV—everyday—she’s got orange stains on her mouth.
17. Nikki Haley
? Odds: +1500
Claims she tossed it in the trash. Secretly hopes she’s offered another. Says she doesn’t like the flavor but she’s always sniffing the wrapper. Like a moron. Which she is.
18. Byron Donalds
? Odds: -700
Eager to prove that he’s a good sucker. Holds it aloft on TV and speaks with his tongue out so he can polish it mid-interview. If a cigarette is a nipple. And a cigar is a dick. This man smokes cigars.
Senate Suck-Ups & Billionaire Bootlickers
19. J.D. Vance
? Odds: -750
Not allowed to suck it but happily cleans up the orange stains from the orange dung pile’s underwear. A spineless prick.
20. Elon Musk
? Odds: -300
Swears he doesn’t like it but keeps tweeting about it on Xshitter at 2AM. Claims he would suck it everyday on Mars. A member of dumbass techbros pusillanimous.
And last but not least. Die, bitch. Die.
Leave a Reply