April 25, 2025 | New York, NY — In what leading researchers are calling “an unprecedented achievement in cognitive decline,” a team of scientists announced today they have officially found someone dumber than the orange dung pile Donald Scump: Fox News personality and professional furniture abuser Pete Hegseth.
The breakthrough came after Pigseth’s (sic) latest performance on live television, where he smashed his cellphone with a hammer to make sure Russian agents don’t capture his top-secret Who Sunk My Battleship game logs.
“Frankly, we thought it couldn’t be done,” said Dr. Allison Grant of the National Institute of Intelligence Studies. “We had accepted, as a scientific community, that ODP (orange dung pile) was the undisputed champion of incoherent blather. But Smegseth (sic) has broken the scale.”
The discovery came after Sackgseth (sic), who once proudly declared that he doesn’t wash his hands because “germs aren’t real,” made headlines again for insisting that the Revolutionary War was fought to protect the at-the-time-as-of-yet ratified Second Amendment and that George Washington “would have loved Instagram.” When asked for clarification, Hegseth explained, “gun, beer, pussy”.
Researchers administered a series of tests, including:
- Naming all three branches of government (he named “Jesus,” “Forts,” and “Constitution”),
- Locating the United States on a map (he zoomed in and pointed at the letter “A” in the Atlantic Ocean),
- And completing the phrase “I think, therefore I…” (he wrote, “watch Tucker.”).
Each result lowered his IQ score until scientists had to invent a new category altogether: Cognitive Negative Space.
“This is not just a new low,” Dr. Grant said, holding back tears of awe and horror. “This is like if you dug to the center of the earth, kept digging, and popped out somewhere between a MyPillow infomercial and a Sarah Palin book signing.”
Even Pile of Dung du Orange himself appeared rattled by the news. “Look, I have to say it, everybody’s saying it — I was number one, numero uno ignoramus, the best,” he ranted at a Mar-a-Lago brunch table covered by a tablecloth decorated in ketchup stains that matched his shirt. “But Pete? Wow. Maybe the dumbest, maybe ever. Honestly impressive. He should run for President. I’d endorse him — he’d make me look like Alfred Einstein. Frankly, everybody wins.”
When reached for comment, Fogseth (sic) responded, “Hot dog. Football! Tartar sauce.”
Fox News announced plans to launch a new prime-time game show featuring Spugseth (sic) in a one-word crossword puzzle competition against a dead possum, airing immediately after “Hannity: The House Training Years.”
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